Well folks - it has been a while and you may have guessed I have been struggling with the dream. I have managed to put 5.7kg in 3 weeks and just can not believe it!
It would have been so very easy to give up, to allow those voices in my head that tell me “my hubby of 12 years loves me how I am, my life is extremely stressful, and I just can’t take anymore pressure right now, I am ok” to win and to again give up and run away with my tail between my legs!
But this time there was a tiny tiny kernel inside that said “don’t!” Don’t give up on yourself, don’t let the stress of your life, your insecurities and issues to defeat you, do not give up!!!!
So I gathered it up, dug out the big girl pants and struggled my way back into them - let me tell you they are mighty uncomfortable with that amount of weight gain, and I went back. I felt small, and stupid and a failure but I did not give up on myself.
I have an addiction, and it is just as powerful as smoking (or crack cocaine) it is bad food, comfort food, food that tells me to eat it and I will feel better, and I will feel safe, damn shame there are not patches and gum for it (hubby is giving up smoking at present) but I have weight watchers, the support of my leader, my meeting and by god I have myself!
So here it is folks, I am putting it on the line. I have 40kg to lose, and if I think about it - it is too big a mountain to climb, so I am breaking it down. Aim one is to get back to 5% lost - so I can regain some self respect! Aim two is to fit into the size 18/20 jeans I now have hanging on my wardrobe. That is it, that is how I roll, I am putting my blinkers on and breaking the journey down into achievable and manageable goals.
I am finding that dream…..
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Holding The Dream.....
On the scales this morning 105.3kg - after a healthy breakfast of ww muesli and diet yogurt.
So here we are, I have had a good 3 days weight watchers wise, I have drunk my water, stuck to my points and walked the rim track of the Quarry 3 days in a row. I had two “playdates” yesterday, taking yummy cupcakes to both but only eating 1 - in total not at each playdate lol - and drinking coffee. I have continued with my “frock-up” challenge, even posting twice yesterday.
However I have hit a wall today and this is where my challenge lies. I have two children - Benjamin is 9 years old and Jessica is 5.
Benjamin has multiple special needs, with autistic tendencies, although he is verbal. This is very challenging on so many levels and is quite often the reason my resolve around weight loss derails - as I tend to comfort eat, or I can not attend a meeting because he is in a bad way.
Sadly Mr. Benjamin seems to be going through one of his many “difficult” phases and yesterday turned to absolute custard - as he lost a toy, now how a child can lose a toy in the house, never to be found is a mystery that needs to be solved but nonetheless it is lost and I will pay, with temper tantrums that have to be seen to be believed, yesterday he broke a window, screamed absolute abuse at me, hit me and then cried most of the night which required me to sleep with him and cuddle and soothe all night. I also had to take the time to cuddle and soothe Jessica - god bless Daddy he tries but they both want Mum - as she gets very worried about Benjamin.
So here we are, this morning I am exhausted, I have two children who are tired and hence grumpy, and mummy who is worse, a broken window to be fixed and the undeniable urge to stuff myself full of junk and say “to hell with it”.
However there are advantages to it being the day before payday (glass half full, remember) in that there is not enough money to stuff myself full of junk. So today is where I really need to dig deep and keep focused on my journey. I think I can….I think I can…..I think I can……
So here we are, I have had a good 3 days weight watchers wise, I have drunk my water, stuck to my points and walked the rim track of the Quarry 3 days in a row. I had two “playdates” yesterday, taking yummy cupcakes to both but only eating 1 - in total not at each playdate lol - and drinking coffee. I have continued with my “frock-up” challenge, even posting twice yesterday.
However I have hit a wall today and this is where my challenge lies. I have two children - Benjamin is 9 years old and Jessica is 5.
Benjamin has multiple special needs, with autistic tendencies, although he is verbal. This is very challenging on so many levels and is quite often the reason my resolve around weight loss derails - as I tend to comfort eat, or I can not attend a meeting because he is in a bad way.
Sadly Mr. Benjamin seems to be going through one of his many “difficult” phases and yesterday turned to absolute custard - as he lost a toy, now how a child can lose a toy in the house, never to be found is a mystery that needs to be solved but nonetheless it is lost and I will pay, with temper tantrums that have to be seen to be believed, yesterday he broke a window, screamed absolute abuse at me, hit me and then cried most of the night which required me to sleep with him and cuddle and soothe all night. I also had to take the time to cuddle and soothe Jessica - god bless Daddy he tries but they both want Mum - as she gets very worried about Benjamin.
So here we are, this morning I am exhausted, I have two children who are tired and hence grumpy, and mummy who is worse, a broken window to be fixed and the undeniable urge to stuff myself full of junk and say “to hell with it”.
However there are advantages to it being the day before payday (glass half full, remember) in that there is not enough money to stuff myself full of junk. So today is where I really need to dig deep and keep focused on my journey. I think I can….I think I can…..I think I can……
Monday, 9 January 2012
Starting the dream part 2
Well here it is day 4 and I have again stuck to my points, done my frock up challenge - and walked the rim track with the kids and the massive mastiff, which was not nearly as much fun as I thought it would be as the bugger not only pulled me up the bloody hill he pulled me down it as well, which lead to great stress, some words slipping out I try very hard not to use in front (or behind) my children, which will not doubt be repeated at the top of their lungs at the most inopportune moment, AND a sore back, hip and shoulder!
So the sense of satisfaction is not quite as high as it was yesterday - given the level of medication I have had to ingest since I got home.
One of the most amazing things I find when I get serious about this journey is that is does not just impact of one area of my life but spreads to all of them. I am more open to trying new things in other areas of my life, of finding new solutions to old problems and have more self confidence not only in the normal - I can bear to look at myself in the mirror - way but in finding positive ways of dealing with the crap and having the self belief that I can.
So I wish you all not only success in your weight loss journey but also in your life in general. In fact I am thinking of starting a “house up” challenge, where I can prove one room in my house is tidy at least once a day! Take care out there.
On the scales tonight 106.4kg
So the sense of satisfaction is not quite as high as it was yesterday - given the level of medication I have had to ingest since I got home.
One of the most amazing things I find when I get serious about this journey is that is does not just impact of one area of my life but spreads to all of them. I am more open to trying new things in other areas of my life, of finding new solutions to old problems and have more self confidence not only in the normal - I can bear to look at myself in the mirror - way but in finding positive ways of dealing with the crap and having the self belief that I can.
So I wish you all not only success in your weight loss journey but also in your life in general. In fact I am thinking of starting a “house up” challenge, where I can prove one room in my house is tidy at least once a day! Take care out there.
On the scales tonight 106.4kg
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Following the dream..
Today I did it…I really and truly did it, I started following my dream. I tracked and stuck to my points, I drunk my water (well ok just finishing drinking my water as I write this - still one of my least favorite parts of this journey) AND I walked the rim track at the Quarry, well honestly more like ambled it as I had the 9 year old and 5 year old and somewhat overweight boxer with me (but not the mammoth mastiff) but I did it!!!
I took the “Frock Up” challenge and “Frocked up - (well pants up?) when I went to the shops, with earrings and lippy no less! And made my long suffering hubby take pictures (none of which I liked by the way) so I could post them on the web site.
But best of all on day 3 of my journey I finally nailed it and got back into it!!!
I feel good….
I took the “Frock Up” challenge and “Frocked up - (well pants up?) when I went to the shops, with earrings and lippy no less! And made my long suffering hubby take pictures (none of which I liked by the way) so I could post them on the web site.
But best of all on day 3 of my journey I finally nailed it and got back into it!!!
I feel good….
Thursday, 5 January 2012
Starting The Dream
Well - here it is day one of my new journey! (She says for about the 3rd time already this year, oh dear I guess I really do have to go with - If at first you don’t succeed!…..
I have been on this particular journey since 8th September 2011 - when I gathered what was left of my self-esteem and weighed in at 112.7kg. At 168cm, that is seriously overweight - ok it is obese (there I said it)
On 24/11/11 I had lost 7.7kg - weighing in at 105kg.
Then I got cocky didn’t I, skipped a few meetings, stopped tracking so vigilantly, and bam, off the wagon she rolls - my last weigh in (22/12/11) was 106.1kg with a weight loss of 6.6kg.
Sadly this is a bit of a pattern for me, start of really well, then lose motivation and slink away tail between my legs - only to join again a year or so later - several kegs heavier!
I am full of excuses, some are even valid, but you know what NO MORE!
On (my) scales this morning I was 106.6kg.
I have tracked my day and although I have used all my weeklies, we had a lovely family meal of roast chicken and all the trimming AND pavolva, the last one I will be making for some time! I think - with my personality - it is better to use them all in one hit and then I know for sure what I can eat the rest of the week, otherwise those weeklies seem to be used - several times over!
My resolve seems to be s.l.o.w.l.y creeping back in, but could be scared away anytime! I know that sounds negative, but really if I can’t be honest here what is the point of blogging!
I need to buy a spine, a backbone perhaps some willpower…any ideas where???
Oh wait, I think I might be able to pick them up at my first meeting of the year next Thursday with Ali at 5:30pm ;) Because when I look at my journal, I really do much better when I am staying for the meetings, so look out Ali and the lovely ladies at Halswell meeting, come Thursday…I’m back……….
I have been on this particular journey since 8th September 2011 - when I gathered what was left of my self-esteem and weighed in at 112.7kg. At 168cm, that is seriously overweight - ok it is obese (there I said it)
On 24/11/11 I had lost 7.7kg - weighing in at 105kg.
Then I got cocky didn’t I, skipped a few meetings, stopped tracking so vigilantly, and bam, off the wagon she rolls - my last weigh in (22/12/11) was 106.1kg with a weight loss of 6.6kg.
Sadly this is a bit of a pattern for me, start of really well, then lose motivation and slink away tail between my legs - only to join again a year or so later - several kegs heavier!
I am full of excuses, some are even valid, but you know what NO MORE!
On (my) scales this morning I was 106.6kg.
I have tracked my day and although I have used all my weeklies, we had a lovely family meal of roast chicken and all the trimming AND pavolva, the last one I will be making for some time! I think - with my personality - it is better to use them all in one hit and then I know for sure what I can eat the rest of the week, otherwise those weeklies seem to be used - several times over!
My resolve seems to be s.l.o.w.l.y creeping back in, but could be scared away anytime! I know that sounds negative, but really if I can’t be honest here what is the point of blogging!
I need to buy a spine, a backbone perhaps some willpower…any ideas where???
Oh wait, I think I might be able to pick them up at my first meeting of the year next Thursday with Ali at 5:30pm ;) Because when I look at my journal, I really do much better when I am staying for the meetings, so look out Ali and the lovely ladies at Halswell meeting, come Thursday…I’m back……….
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
I Dreamed a Dream
Well, here it is the 4th day of January 2012 and I have to be completely honest and say my resolve and belief in myself has been sorely tested. My lovely weight watchers leader posted the other day about being derailed in your journey and how easy it is for a gain to set you back and then completely stop your journey. In my case it is not so much the gain (although the scales today say 107.9) it is life in general. For a personal reasons I will not be able to make it to a meeting this week.
This has seriously tested my resolve, I really wanted to put a line under my weight gain and sit through a meeting and feel in control, I wanted to hear the stories of how others coped with Christmas and I wanted to hear Ali’s pearls of wisdom for the new year.
But sometimes life does get in the way and if I am going to be successful in this journey I need to take the good with the bad, and accept the things I can not control at this stage!
So my aim for the next 8 days is to approach them as if I have just started the program, to go right back to basics, track everything, drink my water and get some exercise and to hang on to the belief that this is a journey worth taking and I deserve the trip!!!
This has seriously tested my resolve, I really wanted to put a line under my weight gain and sit through a meeting and feel in control, I wanted to hear the stories of how others coped with Christmas and I wanted to hear Ali’s pearls of wisdom for the new year.
But sometimes life does get in the way and if I am going to be successful in this journey I need to take the good with the bad, and accept the things I can not control at this stage!
So my aim for the next 8 days is to approach them as if I have just started the program, to go right back to basics, track everything, drink my water and get some exercise and to hang on to the belief that this is a journey worth taking and I deserve the trip!!!
Sunday, 1 January 2012
I Dreamed a Dream.....
I Dreamed a Dream…..
Where I was thin and it took no effort at all, I could eat whatever I wanted and “fat” was a word associated with other “lazy” people, to be slightly pitied and looked down upon. “ I would never let myself go like that“ I used to think, with the confidence and arrogance of youth. Shopping for clothes was a pleasure to be indulged in as often as possible and everything fit and made me feel good……I even quite liked seeing myself in store and shop windows and mirrors…..
Fast forward 20 or so years and the reality is I am one of those fat people to be pitied and looked down upon! I am nearly 40kg overweight and the time has come for me to stand up and accept the truth! Clothes shopping is now to be avoided at all costs and normally involves whipping a 24 - 26 size garment off the rack at the warehouse and hoping like hell it fits when I get home as there is no way I am subjecting myself to the dressing room and the inevitable tears it produces!!!
So here it is the 1st day of 2012 and I am not going to spend yet another year turning down invitations because my self confidence has decreased in direct proportion to my weight increase! I am back to weight watchers - seriously committed - rather than the somewhat half-arsed attempt I was heading towards at the end of the year!
It is a new day, new year and new me, and I am going to share it with you in the hope that a) blogging my journey will keep me motivated and b) that perhaps it will help others!
Wendy
Day One 106.7kg on the scales
Where I was thin and it took no effort at all, I could eat whatever I wanted and “fat” was a word associated with other “lazy” people, to be slightly pitied and looked down upon. “ I would never let myself go like that“ I used to think, with the confidence and arrogance of youth. Shopping for clothes was a pleasure to be indulged in as often as possible and everything fit and made me feel good……I even quite liked seeing myself in store and shop windows and mirrors…..
Fast forward 20 or so years and the reality is I am one of those fat people to be pitied and looked down upon! I am nearly 40kg overweight and the time has come for me to stand up and accept the truth! Clothes shopping is now to be avoided at all costs and normally involves whipping a 24 - 26 size garment off the rack at the warehouse and hoping like hell it fits when I get home as there is no way I am subjecting myself to the dressing room and the inevitable tears it produces!!!
So here it is the 1st day of 2012 and I am not going to spend yet another year turning down invitations because my self confidence has decreased in direct proportion to my weight increase! I am back to weight watchers - seriously committed - rather than the somewhat half-arsed attempt I was heading towards at the end of the year!
It is a new day, new year and new me, and I am going to share it with you in the hope that a) blogging my journey will keep me motivated and b) that perhaps it will help others!
Wendy
Day One 106.7kg on the scales
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